Holiday Spirit

4 years ago, this Christmas, I spent my first Christmas away from loved ones. This was the year I was deployed to Iraq as a member of OIF I. It wasn't as bad as what I thought it would be. Honestly, there were a lot of similarities between living in Baghdad and living in Mexico City. That is, of course, not counting the near-daily mortar attacks.

That Christmas Eve, I lost 2 good friends in an IED attack, one I didn't know the details of until the day after Christmas. I was fortunate to have another good friend in theatre at the same time, who was as close as I was to these 2. Ever since, I have been emotionally distant during the holidays, able to be happy, without feeling happy. Able to spread joy, without feeling joy.

Yesterday, my wife, my youngest stepdaughter, and one of the nurses I work with went to Silver Dollar City in Branson, MO for their Christmas celebration. It was a good time, with a lot of laughs, lots of good food, and a sense of peace that I had forgotten about. Lieing at the base of the 30 or so foot Christmas tree was what I was in need of, speaking in the sense of short term. The music, the love, the peace all reminded me there was hope.

I know I am seriously jacked up in the head. I'll get more into that this week. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel. Lord knows after 15 or so years of working emergency medicine, I need to see that tunnel end for a bit.

I am keeping today short , I will ramble if I don't, but to any of my brothers and sisters in arms, comrades in Fire Fighting or EMS, and anyone who has been through severe emotional trauma, know that there is hope in healing PTSD. See you all soon.

-cb